7 Things Men can learn from Women
All wisdom traditions from around the world that I have encountered so far, have metaphors for the integration of masculine and feminine in the evolved self: Isis/Osiris in Egypt, Ying/Yang in Tao, Shiva/Shakti in Tantra, Binah/Chokmah in Quabalah, Sun/Moon in Alchemy, Jesus/Mary in Gnostic Christianity, Eagle/Condor in South American Shamanism… The list goes on.
Within these traditions, there are the archetypes of masculine and feminine. One of my favorite explorations of these archetypes is in Camille Paglia’s “Sexual Personae”, where she describes the masculine archetype as Appollonic, linear, pointed and focus oriented, the feminine as Chtonic, embracing, encompassing and integration oriented.
The basic premise here is that above “man” or “woman”, there is the individual. Each individual has masculine and feminine aspects, and it is up to each individual to activate and nourish them inside of one’s self in order to fully evolve.
Instead of falling into the trap of gender separation or romantic Anima/ Animus projection as described by C.G.Jung, where we assume that an “other” will make us whole, we get to use the experience and reflection of “other” as a tool for self-inquiry and activation of latent aspects of ourselves.
“Men” can learn a lot from “women”.
The following contain some gross generalizations, so please keep in mind that we are not talking individuals, but archetypes — somewhat arbitrary clusters of experience.
1. Embodiment
Forced by biology, women tend to pay more attention to their bodies. At least once a month they are reminded of their physicality. There are even special doctors for women. Many men on the other hand, unless comparing their prowess or competing in athletics, rarely pay attention to their bodies. They might watch sports, but often neglect to engage in actually using their own body for more than carrying their consciousness around.
It is also not surprising that women tend to be the first on the dance floor, simply enjoying the movement of their bodies, while men might stand around and watch, awkwardly shake a little bit in an attempt to fit in, try to impress with dance moves, or even using dance to actively engage in predatory advances.
As a man, you can learn to connect to your body in deeper ways. You too have a biological rhythm, you too can spend time with interoception, you too can learn to enjoy the fullness of your body and its movement in space (including in bed), and by that, bring more of your physical intelligence into every situation.
2. Empathy
While boys are told not to cry, women in the business world are told they are too emotional. Emotions, our limbic intelligence, has been considered to be “nice” by philosophers of the enlightenment. “Nice” derives from “ne scire”, not knowing, and used to mean “stupid, foolish, idiotic”, until in the 18th century it became that plus “agreeable” and “favorable to the ladies”.
Wrapped in the delight of their discovery of reason, philosophers of the enlightenment thought that once arrived on the intellectual mental level, we were superior to plants and animals. And that physicality and emotions attributed to their respective levels were “below” human.
But we are still plants and animals. Life seems to be a holarchy, an integrated system of wholeness, not a hierarchy. Just as it is crucial to connect to our physicality, it is crucial to be aware of our emotional landscape — and that of others.
Women tend to be better at sitting with someone in emotional distress. Being with someone without the need to “fix” the situation. Letting them process their emotions while feeling safe to do so, and especially not feeling judged for having emotions in the first place.
As a man, first and foremost acknowledge the validity and importance of your own emotions. Then spend some time training in empathy, looking someone in the eye, being truly present with them — without the need to say or do anything.
Here is a cute video by Brené Brown that explains the concept of empathy https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw. Her work in general is worth checking out, especially also around vulnerability and leadership.
3. Expansion
Our school systems were built for men. Our businesses were built for men. Men built these systems to cater to their way of learning and doing things. They are linear and Appollonic, abstracted, not chaotic and chtonic like much of life — and humans in particular.
Over the last century, women have fought their way into these systems: they started learning in school, taking ever bigger roles in business, and added the left-brain capacities associated with these domains.
They became mathematicians, engineers, some of the first programmers, accountants, and today we are beginning to see the first companies with actual gender balances.
Women have learned to expand, to learn and grow, to continue to push the boundaries imposed on them. To do things they were told “are for boys”.
In that, they have integrated much of the typical “masculine” world, while many men still struggle to acknowledge that they even have a “feminine” side.
As a man, you can choose to expand into a bigger sense of self and learn about your feminine traits. Let yourself be inspired by women who are excelling at “masculine” traits. What are “feminine” traits you could activate inside of you? We already mentioned empathy, but there are loads more capacities like care work that men can learn about from women.
4. Ethics
In the course of fighting for their right to be in schools, businesses, government and even the military, women had to break and make new rules.
It is not by chance that many diversity professionals in organizations are women (and gay men). They are standing for the respect every individual deserves. They are standing for the creativity that is unleashed when diversity is handled well.
As such, they are standing for values. For human rights. For the aspirational rules of our society that we often fall short in actually implementing and living.
As men, we can learn to stand with women, with minorities, with the ones that our systems neglect or disfavor. We can take a stand for equality, not in the sense of making everyone equal, but in the sense of providing equal respect and opportunity to any individual, no matter what physical equipment or appearance they might have.
5. Expression
When you look at pictures of corporate meetings, it is the women that stand out. Men tend to be in pretty much the same suit. Their expression through clothes is usually limited to picking the white or the blue shirt, the blue or the grey suit. Rarely do we see color among men (which apparently signals willingness to make mistakes).
Women on the other hand tend to care about their appearance. One might think that this is due to the “weaker” gender being the one having to peacock in order to attract a mate of the opposite sex (funny enough among peacocks it is the male who does this). But there is something deeper here. I have talked extensively with women about this topic and many claim that they are not getting “dolled up” or make themselves “pretty” for anyone but themselves. It is part of their personal self-expression.
Each of us is an individual. While we already look very much the same, each of us has the invitation to express our unique selves — not just through clothes, of course, but in its fullness, our appearance being simply the most external layer.
Men can learn that we too are individuals and that we can express ourselves with more than status symbols. We can learn to care about our appearance, and delight in being unique and individual. Even small accessories can go a long way.
6. Engagement
While the gender gap among leadership is still similarly problematic as in for-profit organizations, the majority of the nonprofit workforce — more than 75 percent in some U.S. sectors — is female.
Women are the keepers of life. While men biologically can spread their seed and walk away, women tend to be stuck with the consequences. They feel life inside of themselves as it grows and evolves. There is a much deeper connection not just to life itself, but also to the future and to ensuring that life continues. They are often keepers of tradition (from meal preparation and celebration of holidays to upholding value systems).
Women care. Evidenced in the enormous amount of care work that they do every day at home and in the office — that unfortunately most of the time goes unnoticed. Fortunately, this is at least beginning to change.
Men can learn to care about life, humans and the survival of the species. They can learn to engage more with their community, to ensure everyone is on board and able to follow. As an African proverb says: “If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go far, go with others.”
7. Everything
Learning is the new knowing. We are entering a time when Volatility and Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity (VUCA) will be the new normal.
In the past decades of relative stability, we could rely on the knowledge we acquired early on: Go to school, go to university, learn a job and do it until you get the golden watch at the end and can enjoy retirement.
This is no longer the case. Today, we need to continue to learn, to grow, to expand.
The context of our world has already shifted, and there will be those who adapt, and those who fail to. For a while, the latter might get the upper hand, as scarcity and limitation do encourage contraction, but eventually, we will transform toward a new way of doing things on this planet.
So learn, learn, learn. Learn whatever you can, from whoever is around you — and especially from those, who seem to be different from you. They have the most to teach you.
As men, women are our mirror. Look deeply into it and find out who you could become if you integrated yourself and become a whole individual.
Happy Women’s Day!
The future belongs to those who create it. That is why I work with change leaders and their teams to create future-ready cultures and organizations…. Through my work with LUMAN and other projects, I provide frameworks and operating metaphors to support leaders around the world in their individual evolution and in growing innovation capacity in their teams and organizations. I have worked with startups, NGOs and with global brands in a variety of industries around the world. More at http://philiphorvath.com.
