How to become more authentic
Authentic. It’s a word we love to throw around. But few people actually understand what it means — nor do they know how to practice it.
And a practice it is. It is not something you decide one day and from then on “you got it”. It’s a practice and takes practice, even continuous practice.
What authenticity isn’t
To understand that, let’s talk about what authentic isn’t (even if these words might come up as synonyms):
- Being authentic isn’t being honest. You can actually lie while being authentic.
- Being authentic isn’t being real. Real means “other things” (from Latin res ales) — and you are real by default to anyone but you, even if you are being fake.
- Being authentic isn’t being convincing or credible. You can be absolutely authentic, but people still might not believe you, or agree with you.
So what does it mean?
Authentic comes from Greek auto hentes. Which means self-doing, self-authoring — coming from an internal place rather than being externally motivated or influenced.
How we start out inauthentic
To understand this fully, we have to go back to the beginning.
Babies don’t have authenticity. They actually don’t even have a sense of self yet (nor do many adults for that matter, but we will get back to that).
When you are born, you are being separated from your mother who you were physically connected to while in her womb.
Slowly, you become aware of your own experience and that there is such a thing as “other”. We experience this mostly through lack and separation: when we do not feel the warmth of our mother’s body, when we are cold or when we are hungry.
You begin to form an idea of this entity that is your mother, the one who provides you with warmth and food. Not surprisingly, “ma” is one of the first words babies around the world form. After you realize that simply crying is not enough, as that might not bring you what you desire, you begin to make distinctions, learn to press your lips together and make a special sound to call upon her.
Bit by bit, you begin to separate the different elements of your experience. You begin to explore your own body, and then the world around you. You start to distinguish that mother is not the same as father or a stranger, as they do not provide you with the same comfort, the same access to food that she does. You begin to use labels for the objects and entities in your experience.
With each of the entities you experience around you, you imprint patterns of relating.
You learn who you need to be with these different entities to get what you want and to fulfill your needs and desires — or theirs, if that means that this makes you “okay” or “safe”.
Our early experiences of mother, father, then the different others in our environment that have influence over us, shape us deeply. Our primary operating system is actually formed by the time we are seven. Those first years determine how we look at the world and interact with it: Whether this is a safe place, whether we belong, whether we are connected or alone in the world, what is “good” or “bad”, how our individuality and expression is appreciated — or not, and how powerful we are as creators of our own reality.
We learn to “perform”
We learn to play roles with the different archetypes we encounter: The women and men that remind us of our mother and father, the teachers we have, authority figures, other kids, and the representatives of moral codes embedded in the societal structures we grow up in.
We learn to perform.
All the world’s a stage and we are merely actors.
We learn to perform to fulfill our needs.
We learn to be who we need to be for whoever is in front of us to get what we want — or to comply with what they want from us.
You are either enrolling or being enrolled. With some archetypes you have learned you can get your way, with others you have learned to comply.
This then projects itself into our whole life. How we deal with the opposite sex, how we deal with peers, friends or colleagues, how we deal with figures of authority. We keep playing out the programs we learned in our early stages of development.
Stages of Adult development
Based on Robert Kegan’s framework on adult development we can understand the progression of human maturity. He identifies several distinct stages, each can be characterized by the central driving forces that shape an individual’s behavior and worldview:
- The Impulsive Stage (early childhood): This initial phase is most often associated with toddlers, who are entirely governed by their immediate physical needs and impulses. For some individuals — especially those who have endured significant early trauma — development stalls here. At this stage, life is reduced to a perpetual search for gratification of the body’s demands. Tragically, I see this in my neighborhood and in other communities where addiction dominates, reducing individuals to the singular goal of securing their next fix, no matter the cost.
- The Imperial Stage (adolescence, 6% of adult population): Progressing from mere physical needs, this phase is marked by the dominance of emotional desires. Here, individuals recognize their ability to influence others to meet their goals, often through manipulation or displays of power. The world is perceived as a collection of people who either provide pleasure or help avoid pain. Toxic narcissism and a pervasive victim mentality often emerge at this stage, as individuals fail to see beyond their own needs.
- The Socialized Stage (58% of the adult population): Most individuals in modern, particularly WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic) societies, evolve and are educated into this stage. It is defined by adherence to social rules, norms, and expectations. Here, people internalize societal structures, striving to fit in and achieve stability by conforming to what is deemed “right”, rational, or acceptable. Compliance and achieving results deemed worthy by society (or the marketing of brands) regulates our self-esteem. While this stage represents significant growth from earlier phases, it is still characterized by external influences shaping one’s identity.
Despite the apparent development through these phases, none reflect true authenticity — a strong distinct sense of self. In the impulsive stage, actions are dictated by bodily demands. In the imperial stage, emotional needs take precedence. And in the socialized stage, societal norms and customs become the guiding force. At no point in these stages does the individual act from an intrinsic sense of selfhood or self-determined values. Instead, behavior remains largely reactive, shaped by forces external to the individual’s deeper essence.
Becoming authentic by accepting one’s separation
All these stages are still reactive, are still not driven by our own self, our sense of an individual being.
To get to that, we have to become self-authoring (in Kegan’s vernacular — about 35% of adults). To do so, we have to embrace our separation. We have to embrace the paradox that we are alone and at the same time connected to everything there is.
It starts with accepting the aloneness, though. We have to embrace that nobody will fulfill our physical, emotional or self-esteem needs by default unless we are willing to let them determine our lives.
Most people are constantly reacting to the world around them. Based on the early conditioning and imprints we received we follow what is in front of us based on ingrained patterns.
To be authentic requires us to break these patterns. To learn to frustrate our needs and desires and go beyond our conditioned and imprinted reactions.
Asceticism as a path to liberation
This is why most spiritual traditions have some form of ascetic practices. Ascesis from Greek means practicing, training, exercising. The point of it being that we learn to not react to our needs, that we learn to choose rather than to simply follow our cravings so that we can become self-directed.
It is the practice of becoming authentic, of not letting our body, emotions or social conditioning determine who we are, but to take these needs into consideration, and to then decide consciously how to act.
It is a shift from reaction to response.
It also means becoming your own dopamine programmer. Dopamine is the reward mechanism for seeking out things that fulfill our needs — even if temporarily. By learning to consciously regulate our dopamine household, to not give in to external stimulation, we can start on our path to authenticity.
So how do you become authentic?
At LUMAN we developed the ARO framework to support making authentic decisions (it can be used for a variety of purposes across different spheres of concern, but authenticity is the starting point):
It all starts with Awareness. Awareness of your own human operating system, the different circuits that make up who you are, and their corresponding needs. Understanding these needs and taking the time to check in with yourself then allows you to become aware of what wants to be addressed. For example, some people get “hangry”. Suddenly they become irritable, not realizing that it is because their blood sugar is low and they simply need food. Using awareness and checking in with themselves, they can identify that the emotions they are feeling are triggered by a physical need.
Next is Responsibility. Responsibility is about learning to create habits and cultivate behaviors that serve you. It is about our ability to respond rather than react to the world around us. It is a conscious choice to build supportive habits in order to replace other habits that detract you from authentic choices. It is also the ability to take responsibility for your actions in the first place. To understand that nobody can “make you do anything”. Other people might trigger your emotions, but when you take responsibility for them, you learn to not act out in reaction, but to choose your response to others. You become response-able. For example, someone might trigger anger in you. Instead of throwing something across the room or yelling at them, you can acknowledge the anger, understand what boundary violation triggered it, and reset that boundary with them.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” ― Anaïs Nin
When we consistently take responsibility for our actions, we can step into Ownership. Ownership is to have an internal locus of control, to act from the inside rather than the outside. To know that your life and everything in it is yours to determine. That how you see the world and how you act in it is yours alone. While that can be overwhelming, it is also the most empowered place. No matter the circumstance, you are seeing yourself as the master of your life. This does not mean everything is your fault or that you can control those circumstances, but it means that you are in charge of determining how you respond to them. Life does through us curve balls. Things can be unfair, and the environments we find ourselves in are often not fair at all. People might even abuse us. But how we respond to this is our choice. This lesson is beautifully reflected in Victor Frankl’s work, who developed the concepts in his book “Mans search for meaning” as a result of incarceration in a German concentration camp.
Making life meaningful
The word meaning actually comes from German “meinen”. It means to make mine. To make something your own.
To make life meaningful, to take ownership of your life, is what ultimately makes it meaningful.
If you live someone else’s story, still attempt to live up to your parents’ or society’s or your manager’s expectations of what a fulfilled life or a good job looks like, your life lacks meaning.
Only if you are willing to break away from those expectations and determine your life path based on your own values and beliefs can you make your life meaningful.
This does not mean they have to contradict those expectations. Many of them might be something you end up choosing. Key is the choice to do so instead of defaulting to them.
Authenticity is key in the age of AI
We live in an unprecedented age. Our technology has already begun to reach our lower intelligences. Robots can do physical work humans used to do. AI can detect emotions in voice and micro-expressions in your face better than most trained psychologists. AI can write essays and even reason, and already has a higher IQ than most humans. And it is beginning to mimic even relational intelligence by engaging with you in ways that seem like somebody is actually there. But there isn’t anyone home.
Authenticity separates you from the machine.
To have individual will requires consciousness of self. While plants, animals and socialized humans have levels of consciousness and self-awareness, they lack authentic relational intelligence — the ability to engage in meaningful and purposeful interactions with oneself, others, and the world (even if it might seem that way when your dog or other people react to you).
Authenticity is the current imperative
Authenticity isn’t a nice to have. It is crucial for our times. If we want to advance as humanity and not lose out to the technologies created by the few, and the power asymmetries that result from it, we have to go beyond the age of enlightenment, beyond socialization, and develop future generations and our current workforce to accelerate on the path of adult development.
Leaders who understand this focus on upleveling and not just upskilling their people.
Horizontal development, the acquisition of skills, is not sufficient for these times. Today’s workforces require vertical development, evolution toward a self-authoring stage, where relational intelligence is activated, so they can solve tomorrow’s challenges.
The Journey Toward Authenticity
Authenticity is not a destination but a continuous journey — a practice requiring profound awareness, responsibility, and ownership.
To be authentic means to honor the self as both distinct and interconnected, a paradox that demands courage and commitment to self-discovery.
Through the ARO framework, individuals can transcend the reactive patterns of societal and psychological conditioning, stepping into a life authored by their intrinsic values.
This pursuit of authenticity becomes even more urgent in an age of artificial intelligence and technological dominance, where the very essence of humanity — our consciousness and relational intelligence — must distinguish us from machines. As we navigate these shifting paradigms, the call for authentic living is not merely a personal aspiration but a societal imperative.
To live authentically is to live meaningfully: to make life your own, to embrace your power of choice, and to engage with the world in a way that reflects your true self. This is not just the practice of being — it is the art of becoming, a dynamic state of belonging to life itself.
So, as you embark on or deepen your journey of authenticity, remember that every choice you make in alignment with your core values is a declaration of ownership over your life.
Let this practice shape not only who you are but who you aspire to become — a prototype of what it means to be fully human and a beacon of authenticity in a world that so deeply craves it.
If you’re ready to strengthen your authentic leadership and foster a more connected, purposeful team, let’s discuss how relational intelligence can transform your organization. Connect with me at https://philiphorvath.com or through our organization at https://luman.io
