The Secret to Belonging: May we all become Kinder again

Beethoven’s 9th Symphony is to this day one of my favorite pieces of music when it comes to eliciting overwhelming joy and the bliss of belonging to life.

This might be, of course, because of that one time when a poet friend of mine and I decided to consciously imprint this piece of music into our neurology as an antidote to the depression we were both dealing with at the time. We did use an agent known to create neuroplasticity, so the imprint was indeed a deep one. When I think even about just a tiny fraction of the symphony’s awe inspiring finale today, I can feel my whole neurology flooded with serotonin. Free ecstasy — accessible anytime…

Apart from the experiment in metaprogramming, the ideas expressed in the symphony’s glorious finale, based on Schiller’s “Ode to Joy”, his evocation of a possible future, is the closest summation of what I am working to contribute to as part of this lifetime’s purpose and mission:

Alle Menschen werden Brueder, wo Dein Sanfter Fluegel weilt

All people become brothers, where thy gentle wing abides.

The poem alludes to the masonic brotherhood, which both Beethoven and Schiller were connected to. Some sources say “Ode to Joy” was written by Schiller specifically for a masonic lodge. A lodge of men. As with many of our existing esoteric systems, it was supporting men in activating their integrated selves.

Mired in the prejudice of its time, it is also a remnant of a world in which women weren’t even noticed as individuals, unless it was a matter of mating, or, of course, abstracted as goddesses personified here as joy, the daughter of the gods from Elysium. Whore and holy woman. The Schizophrenia and chasm of the Marys.

Recently a friend of mine posted an article about the importance of sisterhood in creating a more balanced society. To create bonds between women so they can support a shift toward a world, where “man” or “woman” are actually somewhat irrelevant terms, and where we focus on the individual beyond their sexual or gender expression.

Since we can’t overcome problems on the level that created them, and will probably never integrate “man” and “woman”, it made me think about a word that has always held fascination for me, and that might allow us to take one step further out in order to find synthesis beyond the dualism: kind.

What if Schiller’s sentence was:

Alle Menschen werden Kinder, wo Dein Sanfter Fluegel weilt

All people become Kinder, where thy gentle wing abides.

Kinder in German actually means children — as in “Kindergarten” (garden for children).

Lost in German, in English we also have the word kin.

Kin, related to Latin Genus, is most often thought of as our family relations, indeed our “children” — especially from a patriarchal or matriarchal view.

The etymological origins of “kin” are indeed about offspring, generating, about progeny, about the continuance of life. It is about belonging and continuous creation.

Kind ain’t nice

Being kind is not about being nice. Nice, from Latin ne-sciere, meaning “not knowing”, was originally a derogatory term meaning “stupid, foolish, idiotic”, and only in the 18th century became about “being something pleasant for the ladies” (still considered stupid — and still derogatory). Women are taught to be “nice”. When you are being “nice”, it usually means taking it on the chin — and then both cheeks.

I am kind to my kin(d)

Being kind, on the other hand, is about recognizing the other as kin.

As belonging to the same set as oneself.

It is an extension of the idea of “self” beyond the boundaries of “I”.

My kin(d) are those who I love and who I belong to.

With my kin, I share what life has brought me — even, and especially, when times are tough. With my kin, I create and make more life. With my kin, I recognize our mutual path of evolution.

Who we consider kin

In some ways, “kin” is an arbitrary definition, and can happen on multiple circuits of awareness (in various combinations):

• Physical — Genus as genes, our physical or blood relations. Our “family” — although, in the etymological sense of family (from Latin famulus, “servant”, “slave”), it actually designated all the household members in a Roman household, not only those related by blood (those who are “familiar” to us since we are playing with words here). Beyond co-location, physical kinship is about gene expressions (color of skin, hair, eyes), blood, and the pheromones and chemical recognition of each other, something we have in common even with plants.
• Emotional — Who I like or feel attracted to, and more importantly: Who I feel safe with. Apart from collaborative hunting, mutual protection was also at the core of ensuring our progeny (and victory over other humanoid “kinds” like the Neanderthals). Kin is who we feel safe with, psychologically safe with. This idea of kin is territorial. It is the root of packs, tribes, fences, city walls and nation boundaries (protected by “our” military).
• Mental — kin is whose belief system I share. With the advent of language came interpretation and meaning. How we interpret designators, especially of non-physical concepts, creates meaning. When we share meaning with others, when there is overlap in our belief systems, we recognize kinship. In order to expand reach and power, humans have spread belief systems across the world. We see kinship, e.g. in those who practice the same religion as us. You can see people overcoming their physical or emotional separations on international church days or in pilgrimages to Mekka.
• Relationships — Who I have agreements with, who I contract with, and who I hold myself accountable with. In our world, we have structures to our agreements. Making and fulfilling agreements creates a sense of belonging and kinship. For example in our societal contracts with those we allow to govern us (our party/ red/blue states). Or employer/employee contracts. When we are in a good relationship with our employer, we feel a kinship toward them and our fellow employees. In some companies, this can even become cult-like. This kinship also extends to customer/vendor relationships and ecosystems (e.g. the car industry). It is also used by brands to create consumer loyalty (e.g. early Apple fan boys)— and shows up as consumer anger, when brand promises are broken (e.g. New Coke or Volkswagen).
• Expression — Brands have also been using appeals to our individuality and individual expression as a tool to market to us — especially in this last Century of Self amidst the Revolt of the Masses. The kinship on the level of self-expression can be seen in cliques, from teen groups and their “fashion” expressions, and sometimes dogged loyalty toward brands, to artists who bond together in their exile from society (from impressionists to the thousands who swarm to Burning Man every year to express their individuality).
• Vision — Another kind of kinship has been forming at Burning Man over the years: one of groups who share a common vision for the future, and are banding together to create that future (e.g. Black Rock Solar and Black Rock Labs). We also feel kinship to those, who have similar vision, similar aspirations. Kinship is established through a shared “promised land”. We see this in the permaculture movement, groups forming around SDGs, blockchain or similar communities.
• Purpose — Shared vision then also leads to shared purpose. After all, it’s nice to have a vision, it’s better to bring it to life. Kinship is also established through conspiracy — through deciding to bring about a desired future together— both in the dreadful sense of “New World Order” and in the sense of a Regenerative Future or Planetary Society. We feel kinship with those working to create our desired future.
• Life — The most basic purpose of life is life, is progeny into the future. To create “Kinder”. If you can trust the ancient wisdom from around the world, in many ways, the purpose of individual life is to consciously experience itself in relationship to all of life, and work in service to life. We are all part of life, which is continuing to innocently explore its purpose as a whole. Understanding yourself as life allows kinship with all of life.

For that, we need to integrate the diversity of life. Different approaches. Different perspectives.

Even, and especially, the ones we don’t like.

Choosing Kinship

Loving that, which is similar to us is easy. Loving that, which stings is the challenge we face, if we want to integrate into the kinship of life as a whole.

We all have the desire to be part of something bigger than ourselves. That experience, when we dissolve the boundaries between “I” and “otherness” and feel belonging. A twitch of the Bliss of wholeness. Bliss might indeed be that very experience of dissolution into a whole. That kiss of love.

Love is about connecting. Connecting is only required — and experienced — when we are separate. Our brain requires distinction and separation to experience reality (from Latin res ales — “other things”). We need separation and otherness for experience.

In that, and in overcoming it through consciously relating with each other, choosing kinship again and again, we can evolve as one life on this spaceship earth.

Humans aren’t inherently bad. Studies show that even toddlers prefer to be kind to each other — until someone in authority creates distinction and separation, and our desire of wanting to please and conform takes over. Those in authority on the other hand, the ones who craved power enough to get it, tend to disconnect from others in the process and become ego focused, narcissist, and develop psychopathic tendencies — which explains why they can direct masses of happily conforming humans to do horrible things (for a beautiful exploration and collection of research around these topics and our history see Rutger Bregman’s excellent book “Humankind”).

Bliss is yours to have

We have allowed our systems to focus on the dark side of humans. In our quest for exciting news on the one hand, and safety and dissolution from responsibility for life on the other, we have allowed systems of authority and control that actually disconnect us further from each other: As human vs nature, as men and women, as old and young, as geographic and cultural islands, as “us” and “them”.

We are in the midst of transition. For the last decades we have become more and more aware of our planetary interdependence. From the first pictures of earth from space, to oil crises and climate changes, all the way to global pandemics. We have begun to talk about gender (re-)integration, employee and citizen sovereignty, we are aware of our connection as humans, as human life across the planet more and more every day. Our old systems, pretending otherwise, have been crumbling and will continue to do so.

While some are responding by holding on even more dearly to their old understandings of kinship, attempting to contract, more and more people can no longer deal with the cognitive dissonance and are beginning to choose kindness:

To feel the bliss of union, live above your demons, embrace otherness. Live with, rather than against.

To feel the joy of connection, the bliss of belonging — realize all around you the gentle wings of life, the same life you are part of…

…and simply be kind.

The future belongs to those who create it. That is why I work with change leaders and their teams to create future-ready cultures and organizations…. Through my work with LUMAN and other projects, I provide frameworks and operating metaphors to support leaders around the world in their individual evolution and in growing capacity to create future in their teams and organizations. I have worked with startups, NGOs and with global brands in a variety of industries around the world. More at http://philiphorvath.com.