Why should I not kill myself today?

For months that question was my constant companion. Every morning when I woke up, it was right there.

Sometimes not at first, on some days it took its time and slowly crept in, only to surprise me with full force while brushing my teeth or making breakfast.

Sometimes it was there as soon as I became conscious, hammering my awareness in a staccato machine gun fire, not letting other thoughts even come to the surface.

Sometimes, it was more acute, like a sharp and sudden pain, e.g. when looking at my bank statement; at other times, it slyly and slowly wrapped itself around the smallest seedling of hope, only to squash it in an instant when I was least expecting it.

Why should I not kill myself today?

I am intensely grateful for this question.

I wasn’t at first. Quite the contrary. It was utter torture.

I really did not want to be here anymore.

With all that I had been given, all the privilege, all the support, all the love…

I could see it all, yet, there was this gnawing question.

Given, I felt like a failure at the time. Things hadn’t worked out the way I had hoped. I was trying my best to live my purpose, fully here, giving myself in service to the world.

And it wasn’t working.

It was hard.

It even seemed impossible — especially as an innovator, who is trying to expand the existing cultural operating system, be it as an artist, entrepreneur, corporate change maker or activist, the cards are stacked against you.

There are suicides of despair sparked by situations that seem like we cannot overcome.

Then there are those, when we are just tired. Tired of living. Tired of doing it again and again. When we are so depressed, we no longer have the strength to be alive.

Depression, while still stigmatized, is something that happens to a third of the population at some point. According to the WHO, globally, more than 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression.

Depression feels like a grey moosh that covers everything around us. Where any spark of joy is suffocated long before it can even reach our awareness.

My favorite understanding of depression is that it is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. It is tiring, exhausting, and at some point, we no longer have the strength to handle it, let go, and decide to take our own lives.

I could not handle the depression any longer and took my own life.

Why should I not kill myself today?

One of my heroes, Buckminster Fuller, had stood on a bridge years before I was even born, and had asked himself that same question. He had a wife and a child, had just lost his job, and stood there, wondering, why he shouldn’t just jump off that bridge and be done.

In that moment, he decided that, since he was here, and since he was ready to let go of all those things that had lost meaning, he might as well put himself to use.

It was in that moment of pondering death and choosing life that the Buckminster Fuller we know today, one of the most prolific inventors and inspiring human beings of the last century, was born.

When in doubt, focus out.

Life is not about the input, but the output. Everything that is alive, truly alive, creates more than it consumes, otherwise, life would not have gone on. Trees wouldn’t grow, and we would not be here right now.

In that moment, of being willing to give up life, we have the opportunity to see the other side of that question.

Why should I not kill myself today?

When everything looses meaning, it is the beginning of meaning. When we are willing to let go of all the meaning imbued on us by mother, father, preacher, teacher, when we are willing to throw it all away, we can find the other side of that coin. Actual meaning. Meaning from German “making mine” — when we take our own life, take it into our hands and make it ours, choose beginner’s mind, and from then on out begin to imbue our own meaning…

Why should I not kill myself today?

I still ask myself that question sometimes.

These days I have a lot of distance to it, and when it comes up, it is less of a painful pull than a sweet reminder to focus on making sure every moment of my day is purposeful. A reminder that my life will be a summation of moments, and that I am here to create value, to leave a legacy — that I can be of service to someone today.

Why should I not kill myself today?

If you are asking yourself that question, if your life seems overwhelming, is shrouded in grey moosh and darkness, if you are willing to throw away the amazing potential you have been given just by being alive in a human body, ask yourself what you could be in service of.

Might as well put your potential to use, and do some good while you are here.

We can do more than we think we can — especially, if we are not just doing it for ourselves, but have the motivation of affecting someone else’s life.

And if one day, you feel like you are truly done, have given your all, by all means, check out of the game. That, after all, is your ultimate freedom of choice.

September 10, 2020 — World Suicide Prevention Day

I turn people on to themselves and their capacity to create. More at http://philiphorvath.com